A Lover, A Fighter, A Dreamer

Right now I’d like nothing more than to eat a crapload of junk food, watch some movies/netflix, and just chill out with someone

You see, I like love the freedom of being single, but at the same time, having the consistency and companionship of being in a relationship with someone is awesome too. But then you can’t really tell someone:

“Hey, I enjoy your companionship, and being intimate with you is cool too, but I would still like my freedom so that we don’t have any obligations to each other or anything. But I need you to understand that I still value you as a person and especially enjoy who you are and the energy you put out to the world.”

You can’t really tell someone something like that and have them be okay with it, can you? You usually have to choose.

But I just feel like this where I am in life right now.

This guy really called the cops on my co-worker cause he thought he was being scammed on his taxes. The hell goes on today!?

in the form of dreams. I’ve realized how much I really hate fighting; of course I’m talking about fighting when it’s not for sport or training or anything, rather fighting as in to beat up the other person out of self-defense. Because of how I look, I usually don’t have people try to provoke any type of conflict with me or anything of the sort. But I don’t see it like that. I’m so used to being in my body that I don’t consider how I look a factor in anything when I’m out in public. But I always wonder what would actually happen if I got in a fight with someone, especially someone who I would find to seem more threatening than me.

Granted, I do know how to fight. I’ve been a Martial Artist for almost 11 years now, but at the same time, it’s been more than just a few months since I’ve trained or practiced anything fighting related at all; mostly due to school and work time conflicts. So I’m not as confident in my ability to protect myself or someone else if the situation calls for it. In fact, I’m not very confident about it at all anymore. Making a fist is almost starting to feel foreign, throwing jabs, hooks, god forbid throwing a kick, just doesn’t seem like something familiar anymore.

And I’ve been having these dreams. A series of bad dreams lately, where I get in some type of conflict and am not able to stand up for and defend myself properly. It’s been making me feel like a little bitch lately, even if these are self-generated dreams and situations. I guess my fears are manifesting themselves in the form of dreams. Especially since this is something that only really exists in my subconscious.

In one of the dreams, I didn’t even want to risk fighting the guy because he looked a bit bigger and stronger than me. In another dream, last night’s dream actually, this guy was trying to rob me of something I had just bought, and proceeded to try to strangle me. Now, I easily could’ve uppercut this guy, or break his nose with a palm strike, or do a multitude of other things, but I literally didn’t do anything. My body wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t even raise my fists, let alone my arms cause they felt extremely heavy. When I finally did, I couldn’t even make a fist all the way cause my body felt so weak. I managed to land a weak punch to his chin, but it did nothing cause I couldn’t even tighten my fist all the way.
And he just stood there, strangling me, in front of everyone, and I did nothing.

I woke up so pissed off, at myself for not doing anything/letting fear paralyze me, and at the fact that it’s been so long that I’ve practiced any type of Martial Arts training. I think it’s inevitable that I go to that guy for training. It seems like the only thing left for me to do right now.

I know that by my very nature, fighting is something that I hate, but I’m not about to let that stop me from being able to protect myself, protect others, and become the strongest version of myself.

I’m a HELL of a lot better than the amount of bullshit I allow from people. And it’s time I started taking pride in that. ESPECIALLY when it comes to women. I allow so much BS because apparently, I’d rather tolerate it than upset people. Welp, enough of that. I’m going to start causing a stir when I have to; standing up for what I believe in, calling people on their shit, drawing the line and making that damned line known when I have to. I guess in some cases, I need to stop being afraid of being polarizing.

This is how it should be.

I think I just needed to wake up a bit. The fact of the matter is, as much as I enjoy the THOUGHT of being up early in the morning, I’m just not a morning person it seems.

But today is going to be a great day. Work is going by quickly, my favorite club EVER just reopened today for the summer, and we’re going to have an epic night tonight. I can’t wait.

Gonna start working with that Martial Arts guy, who will be getting me into all types of parties for free, going to a rooftop party in NYC on Sunday for free, and I’m getting my responsibilities done during the week; working hard. Not to mention I’m going to Maryland for a week in June, then going to Washington DC for three days with the business team in mid June where we’ll be staying at a hotel as well as hear multiple successful millionaires speak at a conference and throwing a HUGE party for everyone in the business, I’m going on an 8 day cruise in July with family, and possibly going to Canada in August with my bros. This summer’s already looking to be amazing.

I’m HYPED

Gain reference experiences, sharpen the blade, grow, improve, transcend.

Traveling around the world…..changing lives for the better…..spreading goodwill…..I think this is something I want to do myself in the future. And I would love to document it.

If you’re in pain, if you feel like your mind and your world are starting to become consumed by negativity, if you feel like you can’t, watch this video before you start your day.

Watch this every morning. Internalize it.

People who are stronger than me
People who are smarter/more intelligent than me
People who work harder than me
People who are more mindful than me
People who are more confident than me

It gives me something to work towards; something to surpass. A perpetual end goal. I love it. I love the journey.

It was actually at a club that I met him. He approached me and said how he wanted me to help model and promote his clothing line. I’m definitely going to, but I don’t care about that really. The guy is in awesome shape, owns a Mixed Martial Arts dojo, is a state champion in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Wrestling, and various other disciplines, and seems like an all around intense individual.

This man has to train me. He has to.

It sucks to have old childhood friends upset at you and not even know. One of my close friends since the 5th grade has apparently been really upset at me. Well, lots of my old friends have been upset at me; feeling like I neglect them and don’t ever reach out to them to hang out or anything anymore.

Part of me feels bad cause it’s not like this is something I do on purpose. I just tend to forget to reach out to people sometimes. Also, my life has become really fast paced in this past year so far. But you know what? I’m not sorry for that. I’m not sorry for the journey I’m on. I’m certainly not sorry for going after my dreams.

Besides, a phone works two ways right? It’s not like I’m leaving anyone behind or anything.